Mrs Chemist, a native of Kiwiland, is in the process of applying for the right to
remain resident on this emerald isle, this other Eden, this idyll home of Nectar Points
and railway enthusiasts. Being the
caring partner that I am I have decided to help in this endeavour by being actively and enthusiastically involved in the process. Especially the citizenship test. To this end, I dug deep into my pockets and bought a study guide off Ebay for the bank-breaking price of Ten New Pence.
This was last week. The test tests whether would-be immigrants
know such useful details as who is entitled to free dental care and how many
Nectar points are two bottles of Bishop’s Finger worth? Essentially, a dry
document of dry details - presumably to
make Britain seem like a place of dull facts and, by extension, an equally dull
existence.
Bizzarely, the very day the fruits of my largesse arrived in
the post, the present ‘government’ announced
that the test was about to change. No longer would those wishing, and willing, to
become a weave in the fabric of the history of this Land of the Free* have to
learn such grey statistics as the number of practising Methodists in the
district of Merthyr Tydfil, or how many
stripes there are on a standard zebra crossing. No siree! Out with such nonsenses! Because now, following
the general re-writing of reality that the shambles who are running the country are attempting to impose
across the entire spectrum of society, the test is now about Great British
History, as judged by a couple of people who are really good at pub quizzes,
but probably shit at rational thought and human interaction.
You may have seen sample questions on various news
websites. You can try the test here : http://www.bbc.co.uk/newsround/21229722. It seems fairly innocuous during your first perusal. There is, however, one essential
flaw. It’s completely fucking useless.
Unless you live in Trafalgar Square, there is no need, or
value, to know that the tiny figure you can’t see at the top of Nelson’s
Phallus is Admiral Nelson, one-armed, half-blind adulterous attention seeker. Similarly, knowing that Stonehenge is an
ancient Neolithic monument not only has little intrinsic worth, it also makes visiting the site itself redundant, as you’ll already know all there is to learn about our fascination with rocks arranged in
circles by bored/pissed Ancient Britons.
I’m sure there are also questions about cigar-smoking midget
Isambard Kingdom Brunel, but all it would really tell anyone becoming acquainted
with the famous folk of British yesteryear is that there was a propensity towards
Very Stupid Names**. And very stupid
hats.
I think, in actuality, this test has been written by Michael
‘Death can’t Come Soon Enough’ Gove,
because it is exactly what I imagine he wants a GCSE in History to look like –
200 questions like this, getting increasingly obscurer as the exam progresses. It starts with an easy Stonehenge, and ends
with a question on the legal name in 1302 for a falconer who had had their licence
suspended for improper human-avine relations.
The citizenship test should be reduced to one question:
Would you vote for the Conservative Party. A ‘No’ gets you entry. A ’Yes’ gets you shot in the face. Piece of piss.
* If you’re rich and white
** See also: Horatio Nelson, Ethelred the Unready, Cogidudnus and anyone
called Wayne.yne.
