diatribe

I’m not for one for kicking people when they’re down, but I’m more than happy to kick someone who should be down, but who, like a Wobbly-Weevil, won’t get their backsides prostrate and eat the dirt that they deserve.

I’d like to start by apologising to Rebekah Brooks for claiming that under her watchful eye The News of the Screws has implied that Milly Dowler had faked her disappearance.  It seems I had misread something, and I hold my hands up for my sloppy research.  I would like to point out that I don’t, however, have available the kind of resources that would allow me to pay people to do things like check my facts, or hack phones to verify my sources. 

So, Ms Brooks, please accept my apology in good faith.  I was wrong about that.  And in the interest on clearing the air, maybe you should come clean on a few things too.

 I wouldn’t say you were a bare-faced liar, or a deceitful vinegary harridan, mostly for legal reasons, but also because it doesn’t really need to be said.  No-one ever refers to ‘The mass-murderer Hitler’, do they? It’s understood in the name alone, and would be a bit of an understatement. Just as it would be an understatement to say I wouldn’t piss on you even if I’d set you on fire.  Unless my urine was, due to a rare urological condition, made of petrol. Then I’d piss myself dry.

But there is a point I feel compelled to raise. Why won’t you fuck off? What’s wrong with you? Surely you must realise that, Kerry Katonia aside, you’re currently the most reviled woman in Britain. And we only don’t like Kerry out of habit. 

I’m not one to have sympathy for News of the Screws journalists, but it defies logic that they’re being sacrificed to save your freckled, prone-to-sunburn arse. Are you some kind of soulless demon of shit, who must have her tribute of victims to feed your power? Have you got photos of Rupe fingering baby koalas? I understand why Gadafi is so desperate to cling to power, like a teenager who won’t burn the photo of their first love. Even after that love has broken your heart by shagging your best mate in a Tesco car park under the influence of a can of Stella and half a bottle of Kalashnikov vodka. For example.

I also note that the web-domain-name thesunonsunday.com was registered last week.  I may not be Sherlock Fucking Holmes, but it doesn’t take a sociopathic fictional detective to smell something fishy.  Following your lead, Charles Manson would have done himself a massive favour to public disband The Manson Family, and two weeks later start up The Chas Manson All-Stars.

I think what I essentially want say is this:  Please go away and die. It’d make a lot of people very happy. And David Cameron very sad. Which can only be a good thing.