News of the Screws

At the bottom of Dante’s Hell, you will find Judas Iscariot, encased in ice, alive, aware and in agony, for eternity. His punishment for the greatest of crimes, being ginger.  Although the book claims it’s because he fancied his mate, and being unashamed of his sexuality, kissed said mate in public.  Bizzarely, it was his mate the Romans chose to do over.  I guess the Greek influence made them tolerant of all lifestyles and sexualities, as long as you weren’t named after the eighties Spanish Football player , Jesús María Satrústegui.

I’ve always thought Judas was hard done by.  If God knows everything, then s/he surely knows that Judas was going to betray him. In fact, you could say God created Judas to betray him. In which case, Judas is just enacting God’s wishes, and is nothing more than a stooge. If God is the mastermind behind his own betrayal, it should be him down there, freezing his divine testes off, living the life of giant, flavourless Calypso.  Judas Iscariot is innocent. Free the Nazareth One.

Anyway, it’s time to chisel open the gates of Hell, and fit an extension.  There’s a new player in town, who makes Judas (but really Evil God) look like a Care Bear. One of the cute ones, like Rainbow Bear, not the shit ones, like Turdfuck Bear.  I speak, of course, of any motherfucker connected with the News of the World.

The thing is, dickbags, no-one takes your paper seriously. No-one reads it to find out what is going on in the world.  I suspect people don’t really believe it’s true. Given these circumstances, you could make shit up, and no-one would judge you for it. Unless you were sued, then obviously a judge would judge you for it. But I digress. Possibly to the detriment of my own argument. Ignore the last two sentences.

Given that no-one expects, you could have saved yourself embarrassment, legal action and an unstoppable descent into moral turpitude if you’d just fabricated stories about people, rather than hacking the mobile phone of a murdered schoolgirl. Then deleting her messages. Then writing about her messages. Then suggesting she’d faked her own death. Just to sell some shitty newspapers no-one this side of a 60+ IQ score cares about anyway.

And so, it is with great pleasure I declare the News of the World Tenth Memorial Circle of Hell open, where any arsewince who has ever written for the paper will spend eternity being hacked open by a gang of mobile phone-shaped demons.  While being forced to read, in their own piss-excuse for a paper, how their loved ones have all been sleeping with a bunch of Nazi Fugitives, their own mothers, and John Terry.